My problem
The first time I really thought I had a problem was probably when I was 22. I had a problem with drugs, and I thought if I stopped doing that drug, speed, I would be alright.
I stopped doing speed and stopped drinking but every few months I started to use cocaine instead. For 5 years things were ok, I had a period of stability, then I started to drink and take more drugs again.
When bad things happened like my sister died or I had relationship difficulties, instead of trying to work through it sensibly, I just drank more alcohol or took more drugs.
Then 20 years ago I thought I really do have a problem here, I asked for support from drug and alcohol services again, things were going wrong and
I would not show up to work for two weeks at a time.
How I ended up homeless
I had worked away from Norwich for around 15 years but did not really have a permanent residence, my ex-partner and mother of two of my three daughters still lived in the home we had owned together in Chapel Break and was in the process of selling it.
I had come back to a job in Norfolk hoping that being close to my family and the city I love would make me well and help me with my alcohol and drug problems, it didn’t.
I was staying in B&B’s in and around Norwich and when my work contract ended in January 2016, I decided not to look for another job immediately and to wait for the house sale to go through.
When I received the money from the house, about £25,000, I spent nearly all of it on cocaine and alcohol in less than six months.
Understandably, that did not improve my wellbeing, and I was not in a good place, I was also struggling with money for accommodation. The CAPS team at St Martin’s were great and referred me to a number of organisations and I was quickly offered a place in at a hostel in Wymondham. Unfortunately, due to my drinking and behaviour being out of control, I was evicted after three months at the hostel.
This followed a string of problems culminating in an arrest for threatening someone with a knife. It was a good hostel and would have been a great opportunity for me if I could have controlled my drinking, unfortunately for some people that is not so simple.
My goal was always to be a safe social drinker, I thought I was a strong person, I thought I could do it. Decades of mayhem suggested otherwise.
From there I then spent time sleeping in my ex’s car and sleeping in a tent – I then thought getting a job again would fix me. It didn’t and I lost the job after eight weeks due to poor attendance and I was then back in the car for 2 or 3 months and drinking heavily every day.
Things got worse and I ended up sleeping in Debenham’s doorway. I would go out, steal wine and guzzle down two bottles within 30 minutes. I just remember it being a miserable time.
One night I was there with a guy in a wheelchair, and we were attacked by someone who had been out drinking. He came up and said he wanted to help. The he kicked my friend; he started calling us scumbags and a blot on society.
I pushed him then whacked him. Some passers by had seen it all, they came and pulled me off, told the guy to get lost and spoke to us sympathetically.
When I was on the streets I was waiting for a meeting with the council. I knew what I needed to do. I hated being in that situation and I was trying to get out of it.
The day I stopped drinking.
The day before I was meant to meet the council about getting off the street, I had a hangover and I was thinking ‘don’t have a drink, don’t miss the council meeting again’ but it was hard.
I was waiting around with nothing to do, and I thought one bottle of wine will make me feel better.
I went into M&S to steal the wine.
I had a feeling someone was watching me inside M&S. I took a bottle of wine and the security guard collared me.
I was on bail for a knife offence from the Wymondham hostel, I didn’t need any more trouble with the police and courts.
A PCSO arrived and the security guard was decent, he said get yourself to an AA meeting.
Then I thought ‘that was meant to happen – something has saved me there from drinking that wine’ and I have not had a drink since.
I got let off with a shop ban, I made it to the council meeting and was offered a flat in Mile Cross.
Looking back, I’m lucky to have survived the drinking. I was knocked over by a car, fell off a wall and split open my head.
In 2015 I was found unconscious in the street having been robbed.
When I worked away, I always drank to blackout every weekend, I never remembered getting home. I thought there was nothing wrong with that.
Sleeping rough in Debenhams doorway was a horrible experience, but it was a wake up call for me.
Previously when things were bad, it always seemed to become ok again at some point, such as:
I got sacked – I quickly got another job.
I got arrested – I didn’t get charged or go to prison.
I missed two weeks of work – I didn’t get sacked.
This reinforced the lie that things were ok, the narrative in my head was – You have a good job, money, a car, a house, you are doing fine.
When I was sleeping rough the myth was busted, I had nothing, just a sleeping bag in a shop doorway next to another wine guzzler. It was the end!
A new start.
I was mindful work and the stress that comes with it was a trigger for me, so I chose not to immediately try to get a job. Staying sober was my focus, I was going to do everything I could to achieve that, I did not want to go back to what, in reality, was a miserable existence. I started going to AA & NA meetings, I did almost the recommended 90 meetings in 90 days. I do not go to meetings anymore, but I do not think I would have stayed sober without them. People at meetings have a common goal, to stay clean, hearing stories from people who have been clean for decades is inspirational. I took part in courses and groups at Under1Roof and Norfolk Recovery Partnership. I also went into schools with St Martin’s Reality Check, talking to children about my experiences with alcohol and drugs, hopefully to help educate them and guide them what to look out for. I have also spent time helping medical & nursing students at the UEA. These positive activities are helping both the students and me, they are a reminder of where I have been and where I have come from. I enjoyed cycling and still do, getting out of the city on my bike into the countryside is great for the mind, see some nature, listening to the birds singing and looking at sites in the countryside, really helps me out. I think it is important to build yourself a solid base, before you try to continue with life, I waited for a year before looking for work.
I had worked in engineering all of my life, I was lucky to have lots of experience on my CV. I landed a job at an engine manufacturing company that I had worked at before. I have worked there for 6 and a half years now. It was tough to start with, the stress could really get to me – on a few occasions I wanted to walk out and go to the pub. Thinking about my daughters and how proud they are, how I am always available for them today, is enough to stop those thoughts. I have been to the USA twice with work and Italy once. Things are going well.
Last year I bought a little flat in Norwich, only one bedroom, but that is enough for me, it’s in a nice area and it is quiet, just what I need. I have a granddaughter Gracey named after my Mum who is no longer with us, she is 3 years old and is an awesome little girl, so bright and intelligent.
I am not much for social gatherings; I still get anxious about going to places where I might meet people that I know could be challenging personalities. I do not feel like this when I speak to 100 student nurses, because I know that they are good young people who always show a lot of gratitude for me turning up. It restores my faith in humanity and reminds me there are nice people in the world and I know I am helping them to learn by sharing my experience.
Life is ok today, the madness has gone and it is immeasurably better without drink or drugs. I am 7 and a half years sober and very pleased about that.
Colin wanted this piece to be called Per Ardua Ad Astra. He said, “it’s Latin for ‘through adversity to the stars’, it is the RAF Motto, my dad told me that when I little and I liked it.”